The Return Of The Great Mojo
Updated: Jul 12
As my Telegram Channel followers have already seen, a monumentally important thing happened to me yesterday. It may have been a Pfizer vaccine side effect, or perhaps a delayed reaction to my spontaneous Rome trip last weekend to go watch Ukraine play their first quarter-finals ever, and England qualify for their first semi-finals in maaany years, but yesterday I got my "MOJO" back!
And I mean "M O J O" in a somewhat specific way -- as that self-propelling forward-pulling inner energy that translates into radiating confidence and can only come from the feeling of having figured out all your necessary life vectors. The “Grand Scheme Of Things” Mojo, the “Where You See Yourself In Ten Years” Mojo, THE thing -- something I have lost in late 2015, when I decided to leave HK for good and return to Spain/Europe.
Some of you know how I loved and cherished my time in HK, -- well, some of you actually know me from my time there!!! -- but in 2015 things started changing, a lot of friends and clients were moving out, and the political situation was quickly deteriorating (we know how that has worked out!). On top of that, my overall exhaustion from commuting back and forth every month between Europe and Asia has kicked in.
I was facing the choice between moving fully to HK, cats and all -- but then, the political situation? -- or moving back to Madrid. And I chose the latter, somewhere in the process losing the tract of my life's direction...
In hindsight, it was an exceptionally wise, mature and well-timed decision, but at the time it felt like letting the potential “geographical” love of my life slip away, and I am still occasionally pining for my HK of 2013-14-15... It was also a "move back" -- which I have never done before and disliked fiercely as a concept. To expand the relationship metaphor, it was like taking back an ex you have already dumped: why on earth would you do such a thing?! But ever since moving "back" I was a bit lost, listless and aimless…
Upon my return to Madrid I had a rather nice and cushy life: I had my cat nanny, for whenever I needed to travel, I had my cute two bedroom flat in one of the best parts of the city, a minute walk from the Retiro park, my yearly Opera tickets and all national museum passes, and my work kept me busy and away enough. But the truth is, I was not happy, for a cushy and comfortable life does not automatically mean happy and fulfilled one. So I was comfortable -- but I was neither happy nor fulfilled.
No amount of extra money could have improved my situation -- I was already living as well as it was possible to live, and as I wished to -- but I was not happy with the city, country, with not having a goal, or a direction, or anything to even aim towards or look forward to, in the grand scheme of things. And as the saying goes, if you do not know where you are going -- how would you know that you got there?
Yes, I could look to the next Opera, and to the next, and to the next -- but does it matter? Or, better -- does it matter enough?
I have read an interesting article recently, HBR I think, that the worst thing that you can have is a job that you just don’t hate enough. The same goes for the city, country, relationship -- staying in something you don't find inspiring but also do not hate enough, out of convenience and only until you really start hating it enough just slowly rusts and grinds you down. I can attest to that…
It was never about the question of "what" I wanted to do -- I already knew that in one way or another, full time or part time, it would be some form of FemDöm activity, and a few other ideas that I have been nursing but which are far less restrictive geographically. The questions that so badly needed answering yet remained completely elusive were the "where" and the "why."
To escape my “meh existence” I have poured myself into work. I figured if I do not know "where" or "why" I will just double down on "what" as much as I can. I think I am not the only one who has ever employed such a senseless approach. There was the social media, the travelling, the sessions, the tours, public and private -- and I was pushing it as hard as I could to just get away from Madrid. For as long as I could… Those who know me well know how depressed I’d get back in Spain, after any of my tours.
I was putting it down to physical tiredness, diet, bad sleep -- but looking back, I was just genuinely unhappy to be where I was, and could not come up with a better idea. Yet instead of slowing down to catch a breath and think, I was speeding up and convincing myself that it was too convenient and too big a deal to let go of -- until, at the end of 2019, I fell flat down on my face with a massive, life-altering, full-on burnout. (Those of you who follow me on Instagram would have seen a more detailed account of my 2019 adventures -- but I will make separate blog posts about it later).
And then came Covid. Horrible as it was -- and still is -- it couldn’t have timed itself better for me. Getting grounded from all my escapism, locked in the safety of my home, with cats, and forced to face the reality of my life and feelings has finally cracked open the shell of my denial and made me go back to one of life’s most prolific drawing board questions -- “Where do you see yourself in 10 years?” And my immediate answer was “I don’t know, but definitely NOT in Madrid! And probably not in Spain!”
I have spent the First Lockdown recovering from my burnout, making FemDom clips and trying to find a new city/country to call home. Some days I thought Slovenia, some -- Czech Republic. Other times it would be Vietnam, or Bali, France or Portugal. Then the good old US would creep up in thoughts. I searched far and wide, and just couldn’t find a place that would immediately “spark joy,” so not to jump from the hot pan into the fire, I have settled, for the time being, on my 2013 pre-pro-dömme dream -- moving to Costa Blanca and to continue my search for the "where" answer from a warm sunny spot by the sea with excellent tapas.
And so I moved. Moving is truly one of the most stressful things one can do -- but it can also be extremely liberating. It can give you the distance to gain new perspectives. My move was arduous, but also a healing experience in more ways than one. It was in this trying physical and emotional process pre, during and post-moving that I discovered two very interesting concepts: Minimalism and Intentional Living.
Yes, none of these concepts answers the question “where” -- but the first makes any answer to that question much easier to achieve, and the second deals directly with “why” -- what is the intent behind all of my work and effort? For clearly, work simply for the sake of working and being busy is not a smart thing to do.
As I was getting further and further into my full system de-clutter, gaining more and more physical and mental space, and since I still could not answer “where” I have started researching “why” in depth, until bits and pieces of it started clicking into the matrix. Suddenly, the post-HK, post-burnout rubble of my life was turning into a beautiful, intricate, elaborate yet simple mosaic! And that is how the “FemDöm Pensioner” idea was born this spring, to my own, and everyone else’s shock and surprise -- from simply answering the “why” -- but this, too, deserves a separate explanatory post later.
And then yesterday, on July 10th, 2021, after six years of hurt, out of the blue and as if by magic, all my thoughts and systems have aligned, and I have stumbled across my three coveted answers to “where” -- short, medium and long-term, which not only make absolutely perfect sense but spark so much joy in me I would be happy to belly-crawl across a field of broken glass to get there! Luckily, such efforts should not be necessary! :)
This post is specifically aimed at those of my followers who are younger and/or those who feel the grief of being equally lost and aimless -- you are not alone! Turning 38 two weeks ago, I did not know where I wanted to see myself in 10 years. Now I can answer it for 10, 20 and 30 -- and I hope to celebrate my 40th in my next “home country!”
Oh, where?! Well, you will just have to wait and see… :)))))